It is occuring to me each and every day just how overwhelmed I am. Not just with motherhood, but within myself and my relationships. I have a tendancy to think too much, and internalize too much and by doing this I come to crazy assumptions about things that aren't necessarily true or are completely fabricated in my head. My mind is a scarry place to be sometimes.
2008 was the year I vowed I would get my groove back. I was done comparing myself to others. I was done feeling like I would never amount to something. I was done with family feuds. I was done with feeling inadequate. I was done feeling sorry for myself. In an attempt to get some positivity in my life I turned to my church. I joined a bible study class and I got more involved with the activities at church. By doing so, I of course am learning more and more about all the ways in which I can be a better Christian ~ just another example of how I feel I don't add up. But I am at least trying, right? My kids, are getting so much out of the church activities, and now with VBS, they are teaching me such wonderful things. At night we do our "homework" together and I just love that we are growing together in our faith. The problem? Scott is not a part of that. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Which leads me to another rant.
I love my husband, as you all know. I consider myself to be the LUCKIEST girl in the world (most days!!). He's a wonderful father, provider, confidante and my very best friend in the whole wide world. I am blessed to have met him. The stars really did line up for us to ever meet (thank you Hersheys Chocolate). He is the person I turn to, to lift me up, hold me when I'm sad, comfort me when I am down, love me when I'm lonely and simply tolerate me for the rest of my life. The problem is, he's NEVER here. It's killing me, the boys and him. When I talk to him on the phone I hear how sad he is and how much he misses us. I hear how bored he is and how lonely he is. I hear how disappointed he is when the kids don't want to talk to him on the phone (they are usually engaged in something else). Since he started deployments we have now changed roles. I am being him and he is me. I am comforting him and building him up where he is just down and sad. I feel so badly for him and realize this is not his choice to be away. It's just circumstance. Selfishly, however ,I just wish I had the same support...here....for me. He is so sad that he's missing so much of their lives with all these deployments. It's not that we never expected them. That would be ignorant of us to never expect deployments when we're military. We just didn't expect them to be back to back to back to back to back.
Most guys who choose the E-6 (Scott's plane) do so because they are family guys. The rotation of deployments were: 3 weeks away, 3 months home. 3 weeks away, 3 months home. With there being a shortage of pilots right now and AF budget cuts, the Navy pilot community has had to pick up a lot of the slack. Our pilots are now going over to the desert for 60 days at a time, doing a job they are not trained to do because they AF doesn't want to do it and they are doing back to back domestic deployments because there is such a shortage. So now the deployments are more like: 3 weeks away, 4 days home. 3 weeks away, 1 week home. 3 weeks away, 48 hours home, etc. Completely random and so very hard on the families.
You can imagine the disappointment for the pilots too. They chose this community so they could be around and be good parents to their kids, versus six month deployments on a ship somewhere. We definitely considered ourselves lucky. However, our community is now deploying more than the fighter guys...CRAZY!
So as you can imagine his absense is put on my plate too and making me question: am I doing enough for my kids. I am their mom AND their dad most days. I am responsible for their well being: spiritually, mentally, physically, and socially. It's up to me to make sure they don't feel the void; the same void I feel every day. How do we do that? KEEP BUSY! Yes we do have "Daddy dialogue" every day, where I start a conversation with them saying "I miss Daddy's hugs"... and then they would add their thoughts to it. We do do that and we do have some quiet time, but for the most part, we are go, go go. But what does that do in the end? exhaust me. What does exhaustion do? Not make me a very good parent.
Scott then feels guilty for me feeling so overwhelmed so I hold back on telling him any of this (and we can't read this over there so it's safe to write this all out now ~ it will probably be deleted later!)
Then I have to factor in me time. As the saying goes: " no one is happy unless mama is happy", right? ok, so why do I feel guilty if I am at the Y for over an hour and I"m not with them. I feel selfish for wanting to work out. I feel badly that I have to put them in a childwatch room so I can burn some calories. Yes I realize it's good for me. I am taking care of myself while relieving stress, setting a good example and all that jazz, but I also feel guilty.
So I thought: maybe if I didn't take them with me, I would deal with it better! So I hired a sitter to come three days a week to watch the boys. She only comes for a few hours each time, just enough time to let me run errands, maybe get a hair cut, relax and unwind. What happens instead? I wrap everything up within the first hour or so and have two hours to kill. I don't know what to do with myself so I feel guilty about even having someone there to begin with!!! ugh!
Then at night, I literally count down the SECONDS to bedtime. I live for their bedtime. Why? because it's the ONLY time of the day that I know they are safe and sound and I can breathe and relax. But what happens? I crash out on the couch within thirty minutes of silence, which should be a blessing but it's not because I haven't had time to read the news, my huge stack of magazine subscriptions piling up (over at least 6 months) and the book "eat, pray, love" the book I had to reserve from the library 2 months ago and it's now due next week. i haven't even cracked open the cover. Then....my day repeats itself all over again!
I am questioning a lot about my life right now. So much so, that I have to just get it all out there and deal with it. A first for me, by the way. I tend to internalize things too much and just "deal" with them and most times with horrific results.
I'm at a loss as to how I should feel right now. I am the proud military wife I'm just strung out. I am super proud of Scott and everything he has accomplished in his career. I have been there through it all. It was so awesome to see him become the person he is today. However, I could wring the military by the neck right now. It's so hard for me to listen to the Spouses' Club preach to us about "being proud and supportive" of our guys, when to me, I am taking care of HIS kids, In HIS house, and doing it alone. I don't need to show my support in the form of a $20 membership fee. You know what I mean? I just want my husband home with me. I don't want to put that smile on my face anymore and act like I've got everything together.
I also want to be the "everything" mom to my kids because they are getting cheated out of time with daddy. I KNOW I fall WAY short of ever being that. There are days I just don't want to be a mom. I don't want to take them to the pool. I don't want to go to the park. I don't want to go for a walk. I don't want to play Chutes and Ladders AGAIN. I don't want to paint anymore. How horrible is that? They didn't ask for any of this. They are just kids and they just want to do something fun. I am a buzz kill. Nice example.
Spiritually, thankfully, I have grown. I know it may not seem like it after reading through all this rant (and if you are still reading, thank you~~ you're crazy, but thank you). I can see the changes within myself and I find that talking to my kids and friends, I can answer questions about things I didn't realize I too believed in. I have grown in my understanding of what it is to be a Christian...and even that is a daily struggle, but completely understood what is expected of me. It's a path I want to take and will take, but again....just another way for me to feel that I am just not quite there yet.
Today is just a bad day I guess. It's all comign to the surface. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm lonely. I'm mad. I'm anxious. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sure this too shall pass