Thursday, July 17, 2008

I just don't want to ..... anymore.......

It is occuring to me each and every day just how overwhelmed I am. Not just with motherhood, but within myself and my relationships. I have a tendancy to think too much, and internalize too much and by doing this I come to crazy assumptions about things that aren't necessarily true or are completely fabricated in my head. My mind is a scarry place to be sometimes.

2008 was the year I vowed I would get my groove back. I was done comparing myself to others. I was done feeling like I would never amount to something. I was done with family feuds. I was done with feeling inadequate. I was done feeling sorry for myself. In an attempt to get some positivity in my life I turned to my church. I joined a bible study class and I got more involved with the activities at church. By doing so, I of course am learning more and more about all the ways in which I can be a better Christian ~ just another example of how I feel I don't add up. But I am at least trying, right? My kids, are getting so much out of the church activities, and now with VBS, they are teaching me such wonderful things. At night we do our "homework" together and I just love that we are growing together in our faith. The problem? Scott is not a part of that. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Which leads me to another rant.

I love my husband, as you all know. I consider myself to be the LUCKIEST girl in the world (most days!!). He's a wonderful father, provider, confidante and my very best friend in the whole wide world. I am blessed to have met him. The stars really did line up for us to ever meet (thank you Hersheys Chocolate). He is the person I turn to, to lift me up, hold me when I'm sad, comfort me when I am down, love me when I'm lonely and simply tolerate me for the rest of my life. The problem is, he's NEVER here. It's killing me, the boys and him. When I talk to him on the phone I hear how sad he is and how much he misses us. I hear how bored he is and how lonely he is. I hear how disappointed he is when the kids don't want to talk to him on the phone (they are usually engaged in something else). Since he started deployments we have now changed roles. I am being him and he is me. I am comforting him and building him up where he is just down and sad. I feel so badly for him and realize this is not his choice to be away. It's just circumstance. Selfishly, however ,I just wish I had the same me. He is so sad that he's missing so much of their lives with all these deployments. It's not that we never expected them. That would be ignorant of us to never expect deployments when we're military. We just didn't expect them to be back to back to back to back to back.

Most guys who choose the E-6 (Scott's plane) do so because they are family guys. The rotation of deployments were: 3 weeks away, 3 months home. 3 weeks away, 3 months home. With there being a shortage of pilots right now and AF budget cuts, the Navy pilot community has had to pick up a lot of the slack. Our pilots are now going over to the desert for 60 days at a time, doing a job they are not trained to do because they AF doesn't want to do it and they are doing back to back domestic deployments because there is such a shortage. So now the deployments are more like: 3 weeks away, 4 days home. 3 weeks away, 1 week home. 3 weeks away, 48 hours home, etc. Completely random and so very hard on the families.

You can imagine the disappointment for the pilots too. They chose this community so they could be around and be good parents to their kids, versus six month deployments on a ship somewhere. We definitely considered ourselves lucky. However, our community is now deploying more than the fighter guys...CRAZY!

So as you can imagine his absense is put on my plate too and making me question: am I doing enough for my kids. I am their mom AND their dad most days. I am responsible for their well being: spiritually, mentally, physically, and socially. It's up to me to make sure they don't feel the void; the same void I feel every day. How do we do that? KEEP BUSY! Yes we do have "Daddy dialogue" every day, where I start a conversation with them saying "I miss Daddy's hugs"... and then they would add their thoughts to it. We do do that and we do have some quiet time, but for the most part, we are go, go go. But what does that do in the end? exhaust me. What does exhaustion do? Not make me a very good parent.

Scott then feels guilty for me feeling so overwhelmed so I hold back on telling him any of this (and we can't read this over there so it's safe to write this all out now ~ it will probably be deleted later!)

Then I have to factor in me time. As the saying goes: " no one is happy unless mama is happy", right? ok, so why do I feel guilty if I am at the Y for over an hour and I"m not with them. I feel selfish for wanting to work out. I feel badly that I have to put them in a childwatch room so I can burn some calories. Yes I realize it's good for me. I am taking care of myself while relieving stress, setting a good example and all that jazz, but I also feel guilty.

So I thought: maybe if I didn't take them with me, I would deal with it better! So I hired a sitter to come three days a week to watch the boys. She only comes for a few hours each time, just enough time to let me run errands, maybe get a hair cut, relax and unwind. What happens instead? I wrap everything up within the first hour or so and have two hours to kill. I don't know what to do with myself so I feel guilty about even having someone there to begin with!!! ugh!

Then at night, I literally count down the SECONDS to bedtime. I live for their bedtime. Why? because it's the ONLY time of the day that I know they are safe and sound and I can breathe and relax. But what happens? I crash out on the couch within thirty minutes of silence, which should be a blessing but it's not because I haven't had time to read the news, my huge stack of magazine subscriptions piling up (over at least 6 months) and the book "eat, pray, love" the book I had to reserve from the library 2 months ago and it's now due next week. i haven't even cracked open the cover. day repeats itself all over again!


I am questioning a lot about my life right now. So much so, that I have to just get it all out there and deal with it. A first for me, by the way. I tend to internalize things too much and just "deal" with them and most times with horrific results.

I'm at a loss as to how I should feel right now. I am the proud military wife I'm just strung out. I am super proud of Scott and everything he has accomplished in his career. I have been there through it all. It was so awesome to see him become the person he is today. However, I could wring the military by the neck right now. It's so hard for me to listen to the Spouses' Club preach to us about "being proud and supportive" of our guys, when to me, I am taking care of HIS kids, In HIS house, and doing it alone. I don't need to show my support in the form of a $20 membership fee. You know what I mean? I just want my husband home with me. I don't want to put that smile on my face anymore and act like I've got everything together.

I also want to be the "everything" mom to my kids because they are getting cheated out of time with daddy. I KNOW I fall WAY short of ever being that. There are days I just don't want to be a mom. I don't want to take them to the pool. I don't want to go to the park. I don't want to go for a walk. I don't want to play Chutes and Ladders AGAIN. I don't want to paint anymore. How horrible is that? They didn't ask for any of this. They are just kids and they just want to do something fun. I am a buzz kill. Nice example.

Spiritually, thankfully, I have grown. I know it may not seem like it after reading through all this rant (and if you are still reading, thank you~~ you're crazy, but thank you). I can see the changes within myself and I find that talking to my kids and friends, I can answer questions about things I didn't realize I too believed in. I have grown in my understanding of what it is to be a Christian...and even that is a daily struggle, but completely understood what is expected of me. It's a path I want to take and will take, but again....just another way for me to feel that I am just not quite there yet.

Today is just a bad day I guess. It's all comign to the surface. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm lonely. I'm mad. I'm anxious. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sure this too shall pass


Jen said...

Did you sneak into my springtime brain???

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, you don't know me....I am not a military wife or even a mom right now....a "former mom" since all my little ones have grown and gone. But.....I remember those days! Sometimes too vividly. The days of being too tired to want to anymore. Another spill. More disobedience. Feeling so alone. Scared of how I felt. Maybe I'm not so great after all. Everyone else is SO much better than me.
My husband was not gone....just never home. Too many other things to do besides spend time with the family, even is he was physically here.
My advice? Hang in there, it always gets better...then it happens again! You said that you are learning so much about being a Christian. That is where your answer is. Have you shared your troubles with others in your study or at church? Honestly? I know that there are always people ready to help, especially someone they know and love. Get help (free!) You can always pay it back later when you and the kids are older. Teach them that mom isn't a super-hero now...they will figure that out eventually anyway! Learn to enjoy your free time......alone...even if it is just sitting in the car and reading a book, or better yet, praying for your husband....I know he needs that as much as you. Is there any help from the military? Other wives that maybe you can spend time with shopping during that two hours you are "feeling guilty"?
Just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone, just in a different situation right now. Someday it WILL all be behind you. And....take your vitamins! Keep up the physical part and sometimes the brain follow! I am praying that you will find the help you need and wish I could be part of that.
Praying for you......

Anonymous said...

I know you don't realize it but you are amazing. Plus, what is it 8 more days now? You are on the downside of this deployment and your wonderful husband will be home soon. You are a wonderful, amazing mom and woman and I hope this is truly just a bad day and you know inside how great you are.


P.S. I did read the whole thing. Guess I must be crazy! ;-O

Jess B said...

Oh Christy! I remember feeling exactly as you do when Tim was on the road and not able to be home and the kids didn't want to talk to him, I was overwhelmed and I didn't want to do anything but have a great big glass of wine, lay in bed and cry. I didn't want to even get out of bed in the morning. I know it's hard. My shoulder is always here to cry on when you need it.

PaBlanchards said...


And prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hi there. The comments you are getting sum up our feelings.It is good for you to get all this out in the open rather than bottled up inside.You are not alone,we all have these struggles as we take our life's road.You got to get this!! ,nobody is perfect!!nor should we try to be.How boring would that person be.The kids will understand if their mom turns out to be human like the rest of us .All our love Mom and Dad.

Pooh said...

It's ok not to want to. And you know, it's ok NOT to. You don't have to be super-woman. Kids really do end up entertaining themselves just fine, and it's actually good for them to figure out how. I'm exhausted just READING your schedule.

Karl also missed us terribly, but realize that half the reason they sound so mopey when we get to talk to them is because when they're not actually working, they're BORED OUT OF THEIR SKULLS and have too much time to dwell on being homesick.

You have to find a way to turn off the guilt over not being able to do it all and concentrate on just doing what you can and letting that be enough. Because it is. God Himself even tells us not to run faster than we are able. If God doesn't expect it of you, why should you expect it of yourself?

And even though our burdens do at times seem heavy, remember that He will never give us more than He knows we can handle. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, and what's more, He loves us in a way that we can barely even understand. He is mindful of you on a daily basis, and may be trying to help you without you even realizing it by putting people who can help in your path. But you have to recognize His efforts and let those special people come to your assistance in His place. It's hard to let people in. I know. I've been there. But it's the only way to maintain some semblance of sanity.

And eventually, we look back at ourselves from a distance of months or years down the road and we're amazed at how much stronger we were than we thought, and how much better we handled ourselves than it seemed, and we're proud of how much we grew in that time of adversity and we thank God for teaching us about who we really are.

You are funny and cute and loving and a great mom to my nephews and a long-suffering, patient, kind, lovesick wife to my brother. I am always amazed at your get-up-and-go-ness and everything you manage to get done in the course of any given day. You are more wonderful than you will ever realize and I love you. I'm glad you're my sister.

Shell said...

(sniff) told me (sniff) not to read this and (sigh) did I listen? Of course not...I'm ME! Girl, you just do not realize just how amazing you are...I wish you could look in the mirror everyday and see what your friends see. You are AWESOME and I must say it too, b/c you know the miliatry holds a very special place in my heart (even if it's not the Marines) (do you know I just mis-spelled that and put "martini" instead?! Scott is an awesome guy to do what he does and do it so well. I know it drives him just as crazy on his end of things not being there, and you both do a great (I didn't use the word awesome again) job of juggling. You're both raising some fantastic (practicing my adjectives) young men.
I love ya girle!

Susie said...

Listen here, it's okay to feel all the mixed feelings you feel. I remember being a married-single parent. It sucked, flat out. And a little birdie told me chin-up (ok, not really chin up, more like a kick in the arse) and to look at just what all I was doing. Now it's my turn. LOOK AT WHAT YOU AND SCOTT are accomplishing together. You are raising 2 great boys who will forget that you didn't want to paint or play a game. You are instilling values in them. They will remember that, those values, when they are young men, not a jar of paint. You are also teaching them that sometimes things need to go Mommy's way and not theirs. I am proud of Scott and grateful to him, but I am also proud and grateful to you too. Hang in there.

Alyssa said...

I love you, Christy.

Chi-townRawlins said...

Oh, sis. How did I miss this post?! Sigh...I'm glad things are on the up and up and Scott is almost home!!!! I want to say I know exactly how you're feeling, but truly only Heavenly Father can know that and I think He's really grateful that you've turned to Him during these hard times. I cringe to think about how much MORE difficult my life would be if I didn't have some eternal perspective to help me along the way.
I think everyone has said pretty much everything. You're amazing. But you know what? I'd love you even if you weren't. And your kids are fantastic children who are shining mirrors that reflect the love that you and Scott smother all over them, so no worries there.
I wish I had some wisdom to share but I don't. All I know is that God hands us each a different challenge and there's absolutely no way to compare them so the only person you'll be accountable to, in the end, is Him. Not Scott, not the kids, not the neighbors. Do what will bring you closer to God and it will bless ALL of you. Amazing how that works, huh?
I love you, girly.

Carrie said...

Hey Christy just checking out your blog, and wanted to post to let you know that I think you are an awesome awesome mom, and someone I look up to. Just know no one is perfect and that that is okay. There will always be bad days (sometime more then we would like), but when those days come remember all the good things in life. There are lots of days when LIVE for bed time for the kids!! I resently was talking to some moms in the group about this feeling I had, and learned I was not alone. I think when you give all of your self to the kids all day long it takes alot out of you therefore living for bed time means the end of the work day for us moms. (well most of the time)
Hope Scott had made it home and you are enjoying some family time. Sending hugs your way. Carrie D.

Debi said...

You are such a strong person!!! We all have these days where we feel overwhelmed. You have gone through so much and now that Scott is home I hope things start to fall back into place!!!
Keep your head up high girl!