Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I'm Lost.

How many times have you heard me complain, whine, rant, vent about not having an identity? How many times have I told you that I struggle to be "someone" or "Something of importance" outside of being someone's wife and mom? How many? Too many to count right? Well you're about to hear how hypocritical I am in about 0.5 seconds.

Since 2003 I have been a SAHM. 8 years. For some of you that's nothing, but for me, it's been everything. Everything good, everything bad, every bit challenging, every bit rewarding, every bit frustrating, every bit maddening, every bit proud, every bit emotional....just EVERY THING. As hard as it has been at times, my kids have pretty much defined my days and who I am.....and even though I ranted about how that bothered me, I would not change a thing about the last eight years.

Fast forward to August 18th, 2011. First day of school for both boys. The difference? Both boys, yes BOTH are attending school all day. 8:40am 'til 3:30pm Monday through Friday. While I have dreamed of this moment, prayed for this moment, counted down to this moment, the last few months have been hard for me. The moment was was really going to happen...and I didn't want summer to end. So much was going to change. For them...and for me.

It seemed like over night the kids went from being little boys to "big'ger" little boys. I mean Ty actually said at dinner the other night, when I was complaining about the heat (all 50+ days of triple digit temps) that "football players just have to suck it up mom". Just like that, he defined himself as a football player. A big boy who tackles other  boys to the ground.

Zach told me that I could kiss him in the car, but he will only hug me in the school. So no more kisses at school because it's now "not cool".

And now after I drop them off, and then work out, and then shower....I have four more hours to kill. FOUR HOURS....four hours of not having to micro manage a body. Four hours of not having to tow a child around running errands. Four hours of getting groceries in silence. Four hours of hearing myself think (oh my gosh, scary)....and four hours of getting stuff done! I mean, that's a long time. LONG time. And they don't seem to care that I am having a hard time with this! LOL

It also makes me wonder if I did my job well as a SAHM. Did I teach them manners and how to be courteous? Did I help make them be responsible and productive young beings? Did we help teach them right from wrong and help them make safe choices? Was I fun? I mean seriously....was I FUN? It seems like all work....there was play right?

Parenting is the hardest job ever. It always keeps you guessing and you never really know how successful you are at it until much later in life. I know our job is not over, not by a long shot, but my role is certainly different now.

I know it's only the first full week of school, but it's definitely been a wierd one (for me only). Zach and Ty are both loving their classes, teachers and being back in a routine, I guess I just need to find my new routine and my new identity and know in my heart that I did do all I could to make them happy and brave and smart little but big'ger, boys.

Thanks for listening.


Jen said...

Awww! You're a good mom and you have good kiddos! It will take a while, but you will find that new normal--and you can come take my kids if you get too lonely! ; )

Denise said...

I know what you are saying! When we move Nicholas will be in all day kindergarten which is not much different than last year but I won't have a job (at least not right away). What will I do with myself?

You are doing a great job with Zach & Ty and all though it is different now than before you still have a lot to teach them. :-)

Anonymous said...

You have done a great job and you will find your niche and then wonder where you will find more time to get everything done. This is the next stage of life and one of the most important stages. Wait until they are teenagers ~ you will eat your words. Hugs......Mom

Anna@Exasperation said...

I missed this somehow! How?
You're awesome. It will be nice to see you in a couple of weeks. We can commiserate. Sigh. The life of a mother is such a roller coaster.
If you hang in there, so will I.