Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's the Eve of my birthday and BOY do I have a RANT/VENT whatever you want to call it

If you're in a good mood, don't read this.

I don't blog on a regular basis because I don't have the time or patience to be whitty. It doesn't come naturally to me like it does for most of the people that blog, so I rarely if ever come here to be impart any knowledge or wisdom or literary genius. But I do come here to vent....and to brag and boast about my kids and family......but today is a day to VENT

This will be a very random post and probably better suited with bullets because I will not be able to link one thought to the next

1) I hate January. Always have. It's a combination of things. Mostly because I turn older in January but also because it's the lull of post holiday crap. What makes matter worse living here in the US is that we have THREE months of holiday stuff : Cdn Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving and then Christmas. That is a lot of entertaining and cooking and eating and merriment to only have a hush of post holiday blues follow it upon ripping down the Christmas decorations. I feel very blue after the holidays....I don't know if it's because we're away from family or if it's because we're away from family, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact we are away from our family. So much is going on back home right now.....that Christmas to me is like a celebration of "one more year" but then January comes and the question becomes "will we get one more year?"

2) The "one more year" references are in regards to my sick family members, which is yet another reason why January sucks. My grandparents (the Van Dusens) have been sick off and on for some time. I'm in a constant state of "Is this THE phone call", know...the one where we get "the news" and then it's a mad rush to get home. I dread that call. I really do. I'm in denial about how old they are, how frail they are, how sick they are....because to me they are in their sixties and full of life. I hate being reminded every time I'm home at how much slower they are, how much more forgetful they are, and how sick they are. I hate it. Just recently they were moved into an assisted living residence. Both of them. I never thought that day would happen but it's for their own good (and my dad's to be honest). He has been taking on the brunt of all their needs and it's just too much for him right now. They are older now...and have lots of special needs, and even new diseases we didn't know they had. Ugh...I just hate talking about it....It makes me so sad...and worried....

3) which brings me to my dad. And his health. And how fragile he is. Did I mention he's stressed? Yes....he's stressed. About his parents, about his dad, about his mom, about his investments, about his business, about mom's health. I mean the list goes on and on. And he's not in good health himself....but does he take time to take care of himself? it all compounds into one massive problem which means....gulp....that one day, he may explode...and to me that means in a cardiac arrest. NOT KIDDING. I can see it on his face, in pictures posted on facebook. I don't even know where to begin on how much my siblings and I are afraid for him AND his health. ...... but what can you do? He thinks he's got things under control and that we're making a mountain out of a mole hill

4) then there's my mom. For the last 35+ years she's lived in inlaw hell. I won't get into too much detail here, but you would think after a certain amount of time, things would just be accepted as is and everyone would make nice. Nope.....when the going gets tough, people should come together right? NOPE>...they make matters worse for each other, which just makes things that much more SHITTIER for my mom and quite frankly I am about to roll some heads....why does the kid in this situation need to intervene to be the adult? I mean seriously......BY GONES gones. Grow up.....move on....and do it quick. 35+ is about all she can take.....and all I'm wanting to hear about anymore. And she has CANCER morons....CANCER. SHe is fighting for her life the days she's not taking chemo or radiatation treatments. So back off and for the rest of her life. She doesn't need it. She's got higher priorities in her life...and none of them have to do with YOUR ego and your latest hissy fit.

5) why do friends focus so much of their energy on relationships that aren't worth fighting for? Call me crazy, but if someone treats me badly, especially when I use my "3 strikes you're out" policy, I write you off. My heart is soft....and it cuts easily. My skin is tough though. It will take a lot of work to get me to open up, and it takes EVER more to let you back in if you do me wrong. Yet I see "friends" so concerned about so called "Friends" who give them no time or day. there is a message on the wall it....accept it.....move on. There are bigger and better things out there for you. why waste your time on someone who is clearly wallowing in their own self loathing/pity? What can that friend give you? What is it you want? I mean, look around you.....if you have friends standing beside you cheering you on....make your investment there instead. END OF THAT RANT.

6) why do men cheat? I am so tired of seeing my friends get treated like garbage. If you are unhappy in your relationship DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP. If you are falling out of love with your wife....tell her BEFORE you cheat. Stop making excuses for why you're late, or why you're in another city, or why you're buying a second phone, or why the credit card is being maxed out. BE A DAMN MAN and own your behavior. Your actions have consequences...and chances are your kids will suffer for it because you couldn't be honest with yourself.....or with your WIFE. You took a vow...own it. Respect it. FIX YOU first before damaging everyone around you because you were "going through a midlife crisis" or "not in love with your wife" anymore.

7) I should not have to discipline other peoples' children. Be responsible for your kids. Don't watch me lecture them and say nothing. Follow up please.

8) Stop being a tough guy. It's embarrassing. To you and everyone else. Just try to see the good in something FIRST before rushing into a verbal or physical assault with someone. And lower your voice....I don't care to hear your usage of the F word in every literary form. Thanks

9) get out of the left lane if you are driving the speed limit.

10) Open water swims frustrate my psyche. I want to be a good swimmer. Not professionally by any means, but confident in the water. I just want to be confident in the WATER....why is that so hard?

11) don't talk on your cell phone while on a cardio machine. If you can have a full conversation with someone while on the phone while "working out"'re not WORKING OUT. Plus no one cares to hear your conversation. Take it outside...or in the lobby....PLEASE!

12) why does it seem like no one cares about anything anymore, unless it has to do with themselves? It has astounded me at how insensitive people can be; whether they are trying to be or not.

13) make time for the friends that are important to you: no excuses. Work can can your family, if your friend is in know the difference....especially if you're friends. So read the cues, and BE THERE.

14) Passive Aggressiveness is not how you solve problems. In fact, you've probably dug yourself a hole that you will have a hard time crawling out of. So stop doing it to "send a message"....instead, have the discussion you've been putting off.

15)  why can't I just be CONFIDENT with anything? why do I second guess myself? Why do I question myself? Why can't I see myself the way Scott sees me? I love his impression of me! I don't know how that happened, but I love it. I'm pretty spectacular in his eyes.....when he says things about me....that I don't see. But why don't I see those things? What the heck is my hang up?

16) I'm done now. Sorry for all of that. I  have these moments, especially on the eve of the birthday. If you read this far, I love you. Thank you. If you didn't, I totally understand. NOBODY LIKES A WHINER....


Jen said...

Well happy early birthday! We're more than halfway to February! ; ) Seriously, sometimes being a grown up just plain stinks. Hang in there!

Pooh said...

I love you, even if you're in a mood to rant. We all have those days/times of the month (ahem. is that just me?). I've seen you get like this every year for a month, and then you go back to being your normal, cheerful, go-getter, never-sits-down, gorgeous self. The one my brother absolutely adores. The one who pushed him along to reach his potential. The one the rest of us couldn't imagine him without. It's not just him that sees you that way, Sista Friend. We all do.

Cheryl said...

Your honesty is so refreshing...I wish I could be that truthful in a rant. It must feel good to get that all off your chest.
And, you are pretty darn spectacular but for some reason you don't see that as clearly as everyone else. From what I read and see there are tons of people who look up to you as a role model, as a motivator, and as an inspiration. That says volumes my friend!

Jess B said...

Love you, Christy. I know how hard it is to be away from family during a health "crisis" and it totally sucks.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, but you're one tough cookie and you'll hang in there. :) You're not alone. Vent all you like.