Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It wasn't the drugs...or the therapy

I honestly thought I was going off the deep end. I was constantly crying....stressed.....angry for no reason....and lonely. To help lift my spirits and take the focus off my misery, I tried getting more involved at church, the boys' schools, praying more, volunteering my time at the Y. I enjoyed all of it, but still struggled with feeling sad. So I thought "surely endorphins will help". So I started focusing more on my running, working out, biking, and even swimming but then I would feel like I wasn't measuring up. So I turned to a shrink whom I thought would help be the neutral voice and put me on the right path. Their suggestion? "I could prescribe some anti anxiety medication......". WHAT??? Drugs??? If you know me, you know I hate to take pills, of any kind, for any I stopped going.

Most people would think that you could just talk about your problems with your husband, or friends or family. Well sure...except my husband was deployed 85-90% of the time, stressed out and dealing with his own misery, and my friends all seemed to have their own stressors which in comparison to mine, made my "issue" seem so trivial. So I just "dealt".

I knew I wasn't happy and I knew I wasn't the best mom I could be. I knew that...and yet sometimes (most times) I just did what I could. Which, by the way, never felt like it was enough. (*sigh*) The boys were whining about not being able to do this, not being able to do that, not being able to watch this, never having X,Y,Z for dinner, not wanting to eat their veggies, etc, etc etc. day....HE. CAME. HOME. Scott returned from his last deployment. The three years of being gone was finally OVER. And it was almost instantaneous that everyone here started feeling better. I know I did. My shoulders relaxed. My voice mellowed. My anxiousness to get things done, resolved. My go-go-go turned to chill-chill-chill. And I had my best friend back. There is no one in this world I would rather be with. He's my ying to my yang. My shoe to my lace. My Nike+ to my iPod. He's everything to me! And just having him home balanced me...and the work load. The loneliness was gone...completely. Someone I could talk to...cry with...and make me laugh. That's all I have needed.

Overnight, I saw the change in the boys too. They were happy. They were manageable. They were content. Their best buddy was back in their life. Daddy was home!

Add to that, a VACATION! Do you know how long it's been for us to just be able to spend time TOGETHER? Think about how many missed birthdays, Christmases, Easters, Thanksgivings (x2), anniversaries, mothers' days, fathers' days, first days of school, school plays, Christmas concerts, VBS were missed in THREE YEARS. The time we spent traveling made up for that. 6 days in a car can really give us the opportunity to get to know each other all over again....and at the same time having 3 1/2 weeks of vacation can allow us to have fun with each other again. I can't tell you how much we all needed that. No time line, no schedules....just fun times and family.

The. Best. Therapy. Ever!


Lisa said...

This gives me hope! Love you, girl!

Pooh said...

I'm just glad you're finally feeling betterer. Also too? Love you. I'm so happy Scott and the boys have such a wonderful woman in their lives.

Alyssa said...

I love this:)

Jen said...

LOVE IT!! So happy for you! : )

Chi-townRawlins said...

This makes my heart happy:)
Hope to see you guys soon!

Shell said...

"My show to my lace" ...I thought this was a family blog!!

Sorry, had to be said :o) Welcome back Mama. You've been missed.

Denise said...

I am so happy for you!